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seniorresource.com

OH MY AGING FUNNY BONE...
AGE AS SAGE

A feature of seniorresource.com

WHY I LIKE RETIREMENT

- THE QUESTIONS ARE EASY TO ANSWER!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never-ending coffee break.

ONE DAY WONDER
Can you believe I lasted less than a day as a retail store greeter?
A few hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman came into the store with her two children, yelling at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,
'Good morning, and welcome. Nice children you have there; are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's nine, and the other one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone would make a baby with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
The HR department said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

AND THEY ASK WHY I LIKE RETIREMENT
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS.

DOCTOR TO TECH SAVY PATIENT
"Ever notice the older we get, the more we're like computers? We start out with lots of memory and drive, then we become outdated and eventually have to get our parts replaced."

OH, FOR A PARKING SPOT
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey. "Miraculously, a parking place
appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, Lord. I found one."

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE TOO OLD TO TRICK OR TREAT

10. You get winded from knocking on the door
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you
8. You ask for high fiber candy only
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Boris Karloff Mask." and you're not even wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or....." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You keep having to go home to go to the bathroom.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's house they went for Grandma's birthday. When they arrived little Johnny said to Grandma, "Happy Birthday" and then proceeded to ask her how old she was.

Grandma immediately answered, "I'm 39 and holding."

To that, little Johnny asked, "Okay so hold old would you be if you let go?"

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the question of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough they will.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than threewords to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the CampFireGirls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

Signs That Old Age Might Be Creeping Up On You ...


   Gini Pedersen

Aging is when you hear "snap, crackle, pop" before you get to breakfast.

TIMES CHANGE and THEN THEY DON'T

1972: Long hair
2010: Longing for hair

1972: The perfect high
2010: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1972: KEG
2010: EKG

1972: Acid rock
2010: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2010: Moving to California because it's warm

1972: Growing pot
2010: Growing pot belly

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2010: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Seeds and stems
2010: Roughage

1972: Killer weed
2010: Weed Killer

1972: Hoping for a BMW
2010: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead
2010: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2010: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones
2010: Kidney Stones

1972: Being called into the principal's office
2010: Calling the principal's office

1972: Screw the system
2010: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco
2010: Costco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2010: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Passing the drivers' test
2010: Passing the vision test

1972: Whatever
2010: Depends

    E. Tabb

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

MEASURING SUCCESS

At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.
At 12 success is . . . having friends.
At 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At 20 success is . . . having sex.
At 35 success is . . having money.
At 50 success is . . . having money.
At 60 success is . . . having sex.
At 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At 75 success is . . . having friends.
At 80 success is . . not peeing in your pants.

    J. Williams

THE SENILITY PRAYER

God grant me the senility to forget
The people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm "older" (but refuse to grow up), I'll share some things I've discovered:
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. . .
All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few . . .
Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
It's not hard to meet expenses. . . they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
I am unable to remember if I have mailed this to you or not and I doubt if you can either!

Some artists from the 1960s are re-releasing their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us -- good news, for those feeling a little older and missing those great tunes.

Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"
The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"
The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"
Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"
Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"
Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"
Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Nappin'"
ABBA - "Denture Queen"
Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"
Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face"
Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"
Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want
Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"

    R. Wittcoff

ALL OF THE FOLLOWING ARE TRUE

1.Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.
4.People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5.When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop even your heart!
6. Only seven ( 7 ) per cent of the population are lefties.
7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9.The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10.The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
6. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the SouthCarolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green

   http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

A for arthritis
B for bad back
C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.

F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention
H high blood pressure (I'd rather have low)
I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot all about K!
K is for my knees that crack when they're bent
(Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent)
N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck
O is for osteo- and all bones that crack
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few
Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears
T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
U is for urinary: difficulties with flow
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.

W is worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray--and what might be found.
Y for another year I've left behind
Z is for zest that I still have my mind,

Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed,
And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!

oppie

AGING:
  • Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
  • The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
  • Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
  • When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
  • You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
  • I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
  • One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
  • Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
  • Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
  • If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
  • First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

Roma Wittcoff



An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

 

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
    R.Wittcoff

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend stared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
    R. Wittcoff

My forgetter's getting better
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, just me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who was that?"

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

    Arnold Klinkenburg

Some of our old (Baby Boomer) favorites have been re-released.
The following songs are on a new album. Highlights from the album include:
Paul Simon--'Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver'
Carly Simon--'You're So Varicose Vein'
The Bee Gees--'How Can You Mend a Broken Hip'
Roberta Flack--'The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face'
Johnny Nash--'I Can't See Clearly Now'
The Temptations--'Papa Got a Kidney Stone'
Nancy Sinatra--'These Boots Are Made For Bunions'
Leo Sayer--'You Make Me Feel Like Napping'
Commodores--'Once, Twice, Three Times My Back's Out'
Herman's Hermits--'Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker'
The Who--'Talkin' 'Bout My Medication'
The Beatles--'I Get By with a Little Help From Depends'

    G. Pederson

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE OVER THE HILL

-You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
-You keep repeating yourself.
-Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
-You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.
-You keep repeating yourself.
-You start video taping daytime game shows.
-You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame .
-Your insurance company has started sending you their free calendar...a month at a time.
-At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
-Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
-When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out... and it stays out.
-One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
-Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
-You keep repeating yourself.
-It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
-You discover the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag," and "by_cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.
-You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
-You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
-You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
-You look both ways before crossing a room.
-You keep repeating yourself.
-You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
-You go to a garden party and you're mainly interested in the garden
(I am so far over the hill that I am hanging on to keep from falling off the other side - said the sender)

A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments. 'My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup.' 'Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee.' 'I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck.' 'My blood pressure pills make me dizzy.' 'I guess that's the price we pay for getting old.' 'Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!'

A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.'

The son replied, 'Dad, when Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States!!!'



----- Conspiracy, We Must Stop This
Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier.
And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.
On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........Well, REALLY NOW ......... even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on-but the telephone! company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack!

BEV

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
   Bev Berger

TIPS FOR OLDER LOVEMAKERS...
1. Put bifocals on. Double check that you're with the right partner.
2. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.

There are recent rumors that Julie Andrews did a concert for AARP. Ms.Andrews sang a favorite from the Sound of Music, Favorite Things. There were a few changes to the words, to fit in with the AARP theme. Here are the new words to this tune:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixo! dent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinin,
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

   Bev

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?" The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a turkey hunter."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?" The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

   MeMail



"Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.”
--Daniel Auber

"The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles."
--Sigmund Z. Engel

"It is sad to grow old but nice to ripen."
--Brigitte Bardot
A. Inglis



An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

   MeMail



Two old women were sitting side-by-side in their rocking chairs when one said to the other, "I'm getting so old all my friends in Heaven are going to think I didn't make it."



The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

   MeMail




Black and white - An ode to times long gone, For older folks only -
(Under 40, you won't understand)
You could hardly see for all the snow, Spread the rabbit ears far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good night, David; Good night, Chet".
Depending on the channel you tuned
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It felt so good, felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train
Superman, Jimmy & Lois Lane.
Father Knows Best, Patty Duke
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night--
Life looked better in black and white.
I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives
Good guys always won the fight.
Now nothing is the way it seems
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too much fight,
I wanna go back to black and white.
In God they trusted, in bed they slept.
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.
But if I could, I'd rather be alive
In a TV town in '55.
It felt so good, felt so right
Life looked better in black and white.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite
If I could just turn back the clock tonight
To when everybody knew wrong from right
Life was better in black and white

   MeMail



"I'm so worried," the elderly patient said as the nurse plumped up his pillows. "Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble, and he died of malaria." "Relax," the nurse said smiling. "This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble."

   MeMail




I don't recommend getting older cause I don't think it is good for your health



 

I am so far over the hill that I am hanging on to keep from falling off the other side.
Signs That You're Over the Hill
You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
You keep repeating yourself.
Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.
You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
Someone compliments you on your layered look...and you're wearing a bikini.
You keep repeating yourself.
You start video taping daytime game shows.
You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame .
Your insurance company has started sending you their free calendar...a month at a time.
At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out... and it stays out.
One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
You keep repeating yourself.
It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
You discover the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag," and "by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.
You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
You look both ways before crossing a room.
You keep repeating yourself.
You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
You go to a garden party and you're mainly interested in the garden



NINETEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
By Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
19. Your friends love you anyway.
H & J Williams



 

ABC's OF AGING
A is for arthritis,
B is for bad back,
C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches, and lots of incisions
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L is for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time
(But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my M-memory from time to time)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack
P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu? Give me another pill and I'll be good as new!
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my increasing medical bills!
T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears and the word "terminal" also rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)
V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet found
X is for X ray--and what one might find
Y is for year (another one I'm still alive)
so Z is for zest
For surviving the symptoms my body's deployed,
And keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!
      A. Klinkenburg


Lessons As We Age

I learned that I liked my teacher because she cried when we sang "Silent Night".
Age 6
I learned our dog didn't want to eat my broccoli either.
Age 7
I learned that when I waved to people in the country, they stopped what they were doing and waved back.
Age 9
I learned that just when I got my room the way I liked it, Mom made me clean it up again.
Age 12
I learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Age 14
I learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15
I learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
Age 24
I learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
Age 26
I learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers follow me there.
Age 29
I learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 39
I learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.
Age 42
I learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little note.
Age 44
I learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
Age 46
I learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47
I learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
Age 48
I learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
Age 49
I learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
Age 50
I learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age 52
I learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.
Age 52
I learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 53
I learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
Age 58
I learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.
Age 61
I learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age 62
I learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
Age 64
I learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
Age 65
I learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.
Age 66
I learned that it pays to believe in miracles. I've seen several.
Age 75
I learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
Age 82
I learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch: holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
Age 85
I learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Age 92



Could this be us? Have you ever noticed that when you're over the hill, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become. And that's not all. People are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time, and if you ask them to speak up, they just repeat themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face and exhausted. What do they think I am, a lip reader? Goodness sakes, they are so much younger than they used to be when I was their age! On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old classmate the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. REALLY NOW . . . they don't even make mirrors like they used to! And everyone drives so fast today . . . you're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rearview mirror. Even clothing manufacturers are becoming less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 6 dress as a 12? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom? And too, the fabric in dresses and slacks is so skimpy these days (especially around the hips and waist), that it's almost impossible to reach my shoelaces! The sizes just don't run the way they used to. The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just whom do these people think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on ... but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy, too. They've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!


 

From circa 1957
1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."
(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."
(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.."
(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
(5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
(6) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
(7) "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
(8) "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.
(9) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
(10) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."
(11) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.. They are even making electric typewriters now."
(12) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
(13) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
(14) "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
(15) "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
(16) "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
(17) "The drive-through restaurant is convenient , but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
(18) "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
(19) "No one can afford to be sick any more, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
(20) "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.
      ChargrJohn



 

ADVANTAGES OF BEING OVER 50
1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3) No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
5) There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
6) Things you buy now won't wear out.
7) You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
8) You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
9) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
10) Your eyes won't get much worse.
11) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guys with the Live Doppler 10,000.
12) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
13) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
14) A thirty year mortgage sounds like a pretty clever scam.
    linda stiefel


 



 

"Old" Is When...
... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!
    S. Kessler

What does a blinking right hand signal mean on a car in Florida?That the right hand signal is working!

M Cooper


SIGNS YOU ARE NO LONGER A KIDYou're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You keep repeating yourself.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age... and isn't breaking any laws.
You keep repeating yourself.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You keep repeating yourself.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you&63;"
You keep repeating yourself.
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You keep repeating yourself.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You are always saying "Why did I come in here?"
Feminists don't mind if you call them "Sweetie".
Looking at people when they talk so you can read their lips.
You keep repeating yourself.

V Femia

REMEMBER.... When the worst thing you could do at school was smoke in the bathrooms, flunk a test or chew gum. And the banquets were in the cafeteria and we danced to a juke box later, and all the girls wore fluffy pastel gowns and the boys wore suits for the first time and we were allowed to stay out till 12 p.m. When a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car. . . to cruise, peel out, lay rubber and watch drag races, and people went steady and girls wore a class ring with an inch of wrapped dental floss or yarn coated with pastel frost nail polish so it would fit her finger. And no one ever asked where the car keys were 'cause they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked. And you got in big trouble if you accidentally locked the doors at home, since no one ever had a key. Remember lying on your back on the grass with your friends and saying things like "That cloud looks like a...", and playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game, when baseball was not a psychological group learning experience-it was a game. Remember when stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals 'cause no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger. And...with all our progress...don't you just wish...just once...you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace...and share it with the children of the 80's and 90's .... Remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel & Hardy, Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk as well as the sound of a real mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, playing in cowboy land, baseball games, bowling and visits to the pool...and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar. When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home. We were in fear for our lives, not because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! We survived because their love was greater than the threat. It feels good, just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that! And was it really that long ago?


An older woman is on a cruise ship and wanders up to the bar and asks for a scothe with two drops of water.

The bartender gives her the drink.

"I'm on the cruise to celbrate my 80th birthday and it is today" The bartender says, "Well, since it is your birthday, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too."

"Bartender, I want a xcotch with two drops of water."

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one too."

"Bartneder, I would like another scotch with two drops of water."

The bartender says, as he gives her the drink, "Ma'am, I'm curious, why the scotch with only two drops of water?"

 

The old woman replies, "Sonny when you're my age, you can handle your scotch, but water, however small the amount, is a whole other issue."
    V.J. FEMIA


LIFE'S TRUTHS LEARNED WHILE YOUNG
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
3. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut! that held its ground.
4. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

 

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.
    Arlene Inglis


I have decided that Father Time doesn't come after everybody with a scythe. He has come to me often with a pair of tweezers - he takes a little nip here and then a little nip there and I'm sure that eventually he'll have all of me.


 

At a nursing home in Miami, Florida, a group of Senior Citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,".... another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence..........
'Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

 

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes...she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
    V J FEMIA

 

I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going. I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, antacid........ I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. I'm very good at telling stories.....over and over and over and over... I'm so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.... I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians........... I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired. I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. I'm having trouble remembering simple words like......... I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate. I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.... I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, antismoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory................ I 'm sure they are making adults much younger these days. I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA'S, AARP..... I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....I've just lost the storeroom. I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!!!!

 

A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing?" She said, "Not too good. I've been very weak." "Why are you so weak?" "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days?" "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."

 


 

A old man goes to the doctor for a check up. After extensive tests the doctor tells him "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live." The man is dumbstruck. After a while he replies "That's terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can't afford to pay your bill." "Ok" says the doctor, "I'll give you a year to live."

A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS Maalox and nosedrops and needles for knittin', Walkers and handrails and new dental fittin's, Bundles of magazines tied up with string, These are a few of my favorite things. Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses, Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favorite things. When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, Then I remember my favorite things And then I don't feel so sad. Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food nor food cook'd with onions, Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite things. Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin', Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin'. And we won't mention our short shrunken frames When we remember our favorite things. When the joints ache, when the hips break, When the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so sad. THEN I REMEMBER THE GREAT LIFE I'VE HAD AND THEN I DON'T FEEL SOOO BAD


 

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
    --Bette Davis

An old lady has moved into my house. She usually keeps out of sight but when I pass a mirror, there she is obliterating my gorgeous face and body.
I think she is stealing money from me, I go to the ATM and withdraw $100.00 and a few days later it is gone. I don't spend money that fast.
My food is disappearing at an alarming rate, especially the good stuff like cookies, ice cream and candy. and then she's been tampering with my scale to make me think I've put on weight.
She is quite childish, likes to play games like going into my closets when I'm not home altering my clothes so that they don't fit, she messes with my files and papers so I can't find anything, also fiddles with my VCR so it doesn't record what I have programmed.
She gets to the newspaper and mail before I can and blurs the print so I can't read anything, then did something to my TV and telephone volume so all I can hear is mumbles and whispers.
She has done other things, like made my stairs steeper, my vacuum heavier, my knobs and faucets harder to turn.
She has made my bed higher, glues my lids on jars so it's impossible for me to open them.
She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes.
She stands in front of me in the mirror and monopolizes it, looking ridiculous in some of those outfits that look so great on me.
Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she came along with me to get my picture taken for my driver's licence and jumped in front of me before the camera clicked.
No one is going to believe that the picture of that old lady is me.


Murphy (of Murphy's Law fame) Was a Midlifer

On Aging:
Everything takes longer than you think, except growing old.
Some people age prematurely; the rest of us get old right on schedule.
Beauty is skin deep, but old goes clear to the bone.
On The Empty Nest:
When you finally get your youngest child out of the house, the oldest will move back in with kids and a significant other.
When you help get this family a job and a place of their own, your Uncle Burt will come for one of his extended visits.
When Burt leaves, there will be others.
If you change the locks, they will break in.
If you move, they will find you.
The empty nest is a myth.
On the Midlife Crisis:
You will have to postpone your midlife crisis until your spouse finishes his or hers.
You will postpone it again while your children go through adolescence.
When you finally get time for a midlife crisis, you won't have the energy for it.
If you go ahead with it anyway, no one will notice.
On Life Expectancy:
Midlifers are more likely than the younger population to die from heart disease.
Midlifers are more likely than the younger population to die from cancer.
Midlifers are more likely than the younger population to die from strokes.
Midlifers are less likely than the younger population to die from a crash at the Indy 500, a fall from Mt. Everest, or a riot at a rock concert.
So go ahead; live on the edge. The odds are with you!
Final Words:
Murphy was an optimist.
Murphy was a midlifer.
Murphy wrote during midlife crisis.
-Author Unknown-
        Jay Krueger

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full...of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.

You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!)

Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife...jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.

Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally. (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).

Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?

Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself...and your chins follow suit.

Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you'd need a control top flea collar.

Midlife is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water.

You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" questions-- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

Aging, are you?
  • Things you buy now won't wear out.You buy a compass (or a GPS) for the dash of your car.You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. You got cable for the weather channel.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.You send money to PBS.You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.Your back goes out more than you do.Your ears are hairier than your head.

The truths about age
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with the elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
People send you this list.

 

Beautiful women
Age 3: Looks at herself and sees a Queen!
Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty.
Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty,Cheerleader or if she is PMS'ing: sees Fat/Pimples/UGLY (Mom I can't go to school looking like this!)
Age 20: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall,too straight/too curly" - but decides she's going anyway.
Age 30: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall,too straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it so she's going anyway.
Age 40: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but says, "At least, I am clean and goes anyway.
Age 50: Looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go.
Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: Looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.
      A. Inglis


 

I want to go back to the time when.....................
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old, referred to anyone over 20.
The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn't matter.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
No shopping trip was complete, unless a new toy was brought home.
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
War was a card game.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group (and STILL is as far as I am concerned!!)
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!!
I DOUBLE DOG DARE YA!!!!!!!!!!!!
          VJF, Prince Edward County

 

Some Great Things About Getting Older Finally you can eat dinner at 4:00 Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick. If you've never smoked you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. Your eyes won't get much worse. No one expects you to run into a burning building. You don't need the shingles with the 30 year guarantee. Someone else will have the unpleasant task of burying your pets. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service. Protecting your eyes during a solar eclipse isn't as important as it used to be. Buying cheap tires and not rotating them makes economic sense. You don't have to learn the name of the new UPS man. No one thinks you're cheap because you don't buy a half a cow to freeze. You may never have to vacuum under the bed again. Taking the shortest magazine subscription is economically defensible. You don't have to bother planting perennials. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
          VJF Maryland

WHEN I'M AN OLD LADY

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my son, And make his life happy and filled with such fun, I want to pay back all the joy he's provided, Returning each deed. Oh, he'll be so excited .....When I'm an old lady and live with my son. I'll write on the wall with red, white, and blue; And bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes. I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out. I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, will he shout! .....When I'm an old lady and live with my son. When he's on the phone and just out of reach, I'll get into things like sugar and bleach. Oh, he'll snap his fingers and then shake his head, And when he is done I'll hide under the bed. .....When I'm an old lady and live with my son. When my son's wife cooks dinner and calls me to meals, I'll not eat my green beans or salads congealed. I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table, And when she gets angry, run fast as I'm able. ..... When I'm an old lady and live with my son. I'll sit close to the TV, thru the channels I'll click, I'll cross both my eyes to see if they stick, I'll take off my socks and throw one away, And play in the mud until the end of the day. .....When I'm an old lady and live with my son.

 

And later, in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, And thank God in prayer and then close my eyes; And my son will look down with a smile slowly creeping, And say with a groan, "she's so sweet when she's sleeping," .....When I'm an old lady and live with my son.
          Paul Benoit

 

I'm a Senior Citizen...
- I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts 'till 8pm.
- I'm very good at opening childproof caps...with a hammer.
- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
- I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
          Gini Pederson

Red Buttons, appearing on Dennis Miller's Show, announced he was 80 years old but that 80 is not "old."
Red explained:
"Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"Old" is when the porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis".
"Old" is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.
"Old" is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.
"Old" is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
"Old" is when you enjoyed the Big Band Era: Sioux, Iroquois, Apache, Crow
"Old" is when your wife says "let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"


Age-O-Meter:
How many do you remember?
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive45;ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 Cheer up - you're still young
If you remembered 6-10 Hmmm - you're getting older
If you remembered 16-25 You're older than dirt!

 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light".
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!

Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"


I've sure gotten old.
I've had 2 By-pass surgeries
A hip replacement
New knees
Fought prostate cancer
And diabetes
I'm half blind
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine
Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts
Have bouts with dementia
Have poor circulation
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92
Have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my Georgia driver's license!


Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear? "I have? A suppository?" He pulled it out and stared at it. Then said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I know where my hearing aid is."
vjfemia


Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don"t have that problem; knock on wood" as she rapped her knuckles on the table. Then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"


 

When my grandmother was in her eighties, she decided to move to Israel and went to a doctor to get all her charts and so on. He asked her how she was doing and she listed her complaints: "This hurts, that's stiff, I'm getting more and more tired and slower..."
"You have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all who wants to live to be 100?"
"Someone who's in their eighties," she replied.
      vjf

I'M NOT OLD... JUST MATURE

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Senior Discount".
I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "'For you, Seniors, the coffee is free".
Understand - I'm not old - I'm merely mature.
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer - can't hear what they say.
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
And my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit... not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old.. I'm only mature.
The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray... saying "blond" is just right.
My car is all paid for... not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer... get off of the road!"
My car has no scratches... not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."
My friends all get older... much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines", not wrinkles... for sure,
But don't call me old... just call me mature. The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take... your breath all away.
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow. But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running... in this I'm secure,
I'm not really old... I'm only mature.

R Stewart




A man, celebrating his 100th birthday, was being interviewed by the local newspaper reporter. "And what do you attribute your longevity to?" asked the reporter. The centenarian answered, "I make sure I get up every morning". The puzzled reporter asked, "And just how do you do that?" The man answered, "I drink six glasses of water before I go to bed."

Bill O


Now that I' an older woman I see at least five men everyday. I see:
Jon
Charlie Horse
Arthur Ritus
Ben Gay
and the Preacher who always asks "what am I Here After".

P Smith




  • GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE
  • There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
  • Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
  • Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
  • Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
  • The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
  • You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

  • Growing Older and enjoying it.........For ladies

    Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
    You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
    Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
    It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
    If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
    I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
    Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
    Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
    Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
    Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
    Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
    Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
    You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
    I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
    I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
    Amazing!You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
    It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
    Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
    The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
    Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
    Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
    Can it be a coincidence that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards?


My Teeth in a Cup

I'm Fine - How are you?
There's nothing the matter with me,
I'm just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

And arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory is failing, my head is in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

Old age is golden - I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.

The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.

From A.Klinkenberg without an author and now credited to Charles Lane now deceased the grandfather of Dave Lanara.



 

A 104 year-old woman was being interviewed by a reporter.

 

"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

 

"No peer pressure." she responded.
Arnold K.


SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You almost enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and mean someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.

Jay K



There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.


Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
Old age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
Of course I'm against sin. I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.
Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What must hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
Old age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
Hugh Cowan



A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."

Joanne B Pavlovich


Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half."
You're never 50 and a half ....you"re four and a half going on 5.
You get into your teen;; now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16".You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually.
Then the great day of your life; you BECOME 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony.....Yes!!!
Then you TURN 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What's wrong? What changed?
Then you're PUSHING 40....stay over there. You REACH 50. You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40...REACH 50.... then you MAKE IT to 60.
By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70. After that, it's a day by day thing.
You get into your 80's;
In the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92." Then it gets even stranger. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."

Hugh Cowan



You're not old UNLESS you can remember:
Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.
When Kool-Aid was the only other drink for kids, other than milk and sodas.
When there were two types of sneakers for boys.
When boys couldn't wear anything but leather shoes to school.
When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
When all your friends got their hair cut at the kitchen table.
When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.
When nobody owned a pure-bred dog.
When a dime was a decent allowance, and a quarter a huge bonus.
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.
When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
When all your teachers wore either neckties or had their hair done, everyday.
When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free, every time. You ALSO got trading stamps to boot!
When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.
When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed-and did!
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
When women were called, "Mrs. John Smith," instead of their own name.

Pat Chambers




    I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust!"I have found at my age going bra- pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older - then it dawned on me . .they were cramming for finals.I thought about being rich and it don't mean so much . . . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!I'm not into working out! My philosophy: No pain, no pain.The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning you can buy it back for 25 cents.
arnold l. klinkenberg



As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful."

 

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
arnold l. klinkenberg

When you are younger you get blamed for crimes you never committed, and when you're older you begin to get credit for virtues you never possessed. It evens itself out.

From I.R. Stone 1907-1989
Older and Wiser: 716 Memorable Quotes from Those Who Have Lived the Longest and Seen the Most


It's speculated that if John Glenn goes into orbit at age 78, his space capsule will be circling the earth at 10 miles per hour, with the left-turn signal on.

Chuck Brock


My father-in-law, after struggling from the dock to his place in the boat on a fishing trip said: "If I knew I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself.-

T Cottingham


Being older brings its own pleasures. Nothing tops eating chocolate candy while the taste of toothpaste is still fresh in your mouth.

You can tell you're getting old when...
You get winded playing games on the computer.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You can't stand all those damn stupid people who are intolerant.
That sweet young thing you were just gonna' hit on calls you sir.
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
Your pacemaker opens the garage door as you watch a girl walk by.
Your "little black book" contains way too many names ending in M.D.
You know all of the answers, but nobody asks you the questions anymore.

Q: What's the definition of aging?
A: When you're not as good as you once were, but you're as good as you were once.


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