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OH MY AGING FUNNY BONE...
ATTITUDE

 

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A Positive Attitude -- Jokes and Humor Can Help

New stimuli and a positive attitude are attributed to "successful" aging. (It's not enough to just tick off the birthdays.) Specific attitude issues to think about to achieve this are:

So Here are Lots of "Attitude" Jokes and Humor


MAJOR ATTITUDE

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
Eleanor Roosevelt

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible.
George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
Mark Twain

By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men, to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
George Burns

I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
W.C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George Burns

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain

K.Takasuka

senior financials


 

LTC insurance

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPY OF AMBIGUITY......

- One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
- Does The Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

SMART MINDS GO PONDERING

- No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
- A dog gave birth to puppies on the sidewalk and was cited for littering.
- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
- Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

More Zen Humor
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- Always remember that you're unique and special. Just like everyone else.

My Teeth In A Cup -- It's the Attitude

There's nothing the matter with me,
I'm just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

And arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.


Old age is golden I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.
I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.

The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.

    by Charles Lane, permission granted by his grandson D. Lanara



Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered: I started out with nothing, I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few ...

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees



A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," wheezed a second.

"And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember 'em too," said the third.

Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the foursome at 87 piped up "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on this side of the grass!"

vincent j femia

BEST BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN THIS WEEKEND -- All about the Attitude

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits that he's lost?

 



Random Thoughts and Middle Age Wisdom -- Attitude Shaping

1. I am in shape. Round's a shape.
2. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
3. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
4. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She is 97 today and we don't know where she is.

Hugh Cowan



BE A KID AGAIN...Some more Attitude
- Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today.
- Dot all your "i"'s with smiley faces.
- Grow a milk mustache.
" Smile back at the man in the moon.
- Read the funnies--throw the rest of the paper away.
- Dunk your cookies.
- Play a game where you make up the rules as you go along.
- Order with eyes that are bigger than your stomach.
- Open a pack of cupcakes and give one to a friend even though you wanted both of them for yourself.
- Step carefully over sidewalk cracks.
- Change into some play clothes.
- Try to get someone to trade you a better sandwich.
- Have a staring contest with your cat. - Eat ice cream for breakfast.
- Kiss a frog, just in case.
- Blow the wrapper off a straw.
- Refuse to eat crusts.
- Make a face the next time somebody tells you "no".
- Watch TV in your pajamas.
- Ask "Why?" a lot
- Have someone read you a story.
- Eat dessert first.
- Wear your favorite shirt with your favorite pants even if they don't match.
- Sneak some frosting off a cake.
- Refuse to back down in a "did vs. did-not argument".
- Get someone to buy you something you don't really need.
- Hide your vegetables under your napkin.
- Stay up past your bedtime.
- Whatever you're doing, stop once in a while for recess.
- Wear red gym shoes.
- Make a "slurpy" sound with your straw when you get to the bottom of a milkshake.
- Play a song you like really loud, over and over.
- Let the string all the way out on your kite.
- Make cool screeching noises every time you turn a corner.
- Fuss a little, then take a nap.
- Take a running jump over a big puddle.
- Giggle a lot for no real reason.



After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow".

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I'd like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

Chuck Brock


Finally, the woman saw someone, who was loaded with packages, heading for a car. She patiently followed him, put on her blinker and waited patiently until he pulled out. Just as he pulled out a young man in a sleek black Porsche zipped in to the space ahead of her. She was dumbfounded and outraged.

Then the women jumped out of her car shouting, "How could you do that? Didn't you see me waiting there with my signal on?"

He replied, "That's what happens when you're young and fast." As the young man was about to enter the store he heard the hideous crunch of metal striking metal. He ran back, horrified, to see that the woman had gunned her Mercedes and smashed it right into his beautiful black Porsche.

He ran back and cried, ŎHow could you do that?"

She smiled and said, "That's what happens when you're old and rich!"


How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said "No, everything is fine""

"Are you sure?", she asked.

"I'm sure", I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.

"I reckon not," I replied...

"Excuse me," said the doctor. " What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

Vince Femia
Maryland


Seniors are the Nations leading carriers of Aids! It is just Attitude!

Hearing Aids
Band Aids
Rolaids
Walking Aids
Medical Aids
Government Aids
But most of all Monetary Aid to their children.

Beverly Berger
Solana Beach, CA


When does a proper lady say the word "bitch"? When the woman next to her calls "bingo"!

Gary Gramling
San Diego, CA

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down to the wall, and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.

The old man replies, calmly, . . . "Like I'm talking to a wall."

Fay Zachary
Scottsdale, AZ



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A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

Thefrog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000 black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and doing anything he could think of to try and set a good exmple. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming. Then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was just about to ask what had made such a drastic change, when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

J. Oppenheimer