GUIDANCE FROM MILITARY MANUALS
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
"You, you, and you... panic. The rest of you, come with me."
"Tracers work both ways."
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
Father O'Neal answers the phone.
"Hello, is this Father O'Neal?"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"Do you know a Sean Flanders?"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
GETTING IN SHAPE
Betty felt like her body had gotten totally out of shape, so she got her doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. She decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. After her first session, her friend Alice asked how it went. Betty said, "I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over."
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life?"
"Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money, two for the show, three
to get ready, and four to go."
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you
won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
BURMA SHAVE SIGNS
A quick orientation for those of you who never saw the Burma Shave signs. Before there were Interstates, everyone drove the old 2-lane roads cross-country. Burma Shave signs would be posted all along the roads in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Grouped in fives about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet ... and the obligatory 5th sign identifying Burma Shave.
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
DROVE TOO LONG
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
SPEED WAS HIGH
AROUND THE CURVE
AROUND THE CURVE
NO MATTER THE PRICE
A GUY WHO DRIVES
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
CAR IN DITCH
A woman considering her expenses at her favorit beauty counter declared, "Every year it costs me more just to stay the same age I was the year before".
I've sure gotten old.
Had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank goodness, I still have my Georgia driver's license!
Explanation for insurance form:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building on the top floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel over the side and loaded bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will not in Block #11 of the accident report form that my weight is 185#. Do to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was not proceeding in a downward direction at an equally impressive rate of speed. This explains my fractured skull, minor abrasions and broken collarbone, as listed in Section III of the accident form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley at the top, as mentioned in Paragraph #2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope despite the excruciating pain I was beginning to experience.
At that time however, the barrel of bricks reached the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel when it hit. Now devoid of the 500 pounds of bricks the barrel now weighed only 50 pounds.
I refer you again to my weight in Block #11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth, and the severe lacerations on my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow it up enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the pile of bricks in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind - and let go of the rope.
Joe the Bricklayer
Cedar Sinai Hospital
In the insurance business
A woman ready to retire was cautioned by all her friends to arrange direct deposit for her social security check. She was leary about it, but because so many people advised her, she decided to try it. The first three months, on the first, she went to the bank to be sure the money had been deposited. Each time unbeknownst to her she was observed.
On the fourth month when she came out of the bank a man accosted her and asked for her money. She told him she didn't have any. He told her he'd been watching her for three months, and knew she had money. Then he frisked her.
Finding nothing, he said, "but I watched you for four months. Aren't you cashing a check?" "No", she said, "but if you'll frisk me again I'll write you one".
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
Orange County, CA