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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

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Steven Wright-isms

  • How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
  • I invented the cordless extension cord.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
  • I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
  • Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
  • Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
  • There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  • Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  • I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
  • I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
  • Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
  • Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
  • I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
  • What's another word for synonym?
  • beaches of the world.... perhaps you've seen it.
  • for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
  • I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said,
  • When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
  • If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
  • I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
  • Where are Preparations A through G?
  • I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
  • If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
  • I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
  • How can there be self-help groups?
  • All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
  • When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
  • I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
  • Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
  • I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
  • I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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  • Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
  • George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge -- you can't hear him talk.
  • After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
  • I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
  • A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me -- I'm afraid of widths.
  • Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
  • If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
  • Half the people you know are below average.
  • What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
  • Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
  • If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
  • What is the speed of dark?
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
  • Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  • How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
  • I live on a one-way dead-end street.
  • Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • What a nice night for an evening.
  • If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
  • I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  • I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
  • If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
  • When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
  • gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
  • The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
  • I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
  • I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
  • I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks-I'm not going that far."
  • I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
  • Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
  • My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No". she said, "Okay, then forget it."
  • When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
  • How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
  • My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made the horn louder."
  • I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the
  • I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
  • I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
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  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
  • When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
  • I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
  • Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
  • When every thing is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
  • Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
  • I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.
  • Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
  • I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • Hermits have no peer pressure.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
  • Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!
  • I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
  • I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
  • Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
  • I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
  • Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
  • When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
  • My school colors were "clear".
  • Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
  • 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
  • It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
  • I met a man with a wooden leg -- but real feet.
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • OK, so what's the speed of dark?
  • What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
  • Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
  • Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
  • I have a microwave fireplace at home.....I can lay all night in front of the fire in eight minutes.
  • Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
  • For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
  • How young can you die of old age?

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