THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
I invented the cordless extension cord.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
What's another word for synonym?
beaches of the world.... perhaps you've seen it.
for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said,
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
Where are Preparations A through G?
I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
How can there be self-help groups?
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge -- you can't hear him talk.
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me -- I'm afraid of widths.
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Half the people you know are below average.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
What is the speed of dark?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
I live on a one-way dead-end street.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What a nice night for an evening.
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks-I'm not going that far."
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No". she said, "Okay, then forget it."
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made the horn louder."
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
When every thing is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
My school colors were "clear".
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
I met a man with a wooden leg -- but real feet.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
I have a microwave fireplace at home.....I can lay all night in front of the fire in eight minutes.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
How young can you die of old age?
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