10 Things Never to Say When Discussing Family Inheritance

Inheritance discussions (talking about who gets what when someone passes away) are among the most touchy conversations within families. These talks often bring up lots of emotions, old grievances, and financial concerns. It’s important to handle them with care and remain respectful, yet hold your ground on all the things that are important to you. But, how do you do that? We have a few suggestions. Here’s a quick guide on some things you probably shouldn’t say during these tricky conversations.

1. “I Deserve More Because…”

Opening a conversation about inheritance by claiming you deserve more can set a confrontational tone. Remember that an inheritance is not an entitlement but a gift. Arguing about who deserves what based on personal achievements or perceived favoritism can create resentment and division within your family. Instead, focus on understanding the intentions behind all of the decisions and discuss them as respectfully as possible.

Why It’s Harmful:

• It breeds resentment among siblings.
• It shifts the focus from the deceased’s wishes to personal grievances.
• It can lead to prolonged family disputes.

Alternative Approach:

Express gratitude for what you will receive and, if necessary, calmly discuss any concerns about fairness with the executor or a family mediator. If you feel you have a legitimate reason to request a larger share, present your case logically and respectfully without undermining others’ claims.

2. “You Were Always the Favorite.”

Accusations of favoritism can open old wounds and lead to arguments. While feeling sensitive about these issues is natural, airing them during inheritance discussions is inappropriate and can derail otherwise productive conversations. Such bold statements often lead to defensive reactions and can escalate into heated exchanges.

Why It’s Harmful:

• It reignites old sibling rivalries.
• It distracts from the main topic of the conversation.
• It can create a hostile environment.

Alternative Approach:

Acknowledge any feelings of favoritism privately or with a therapist, rather than bringing them up during family discussions. Focus on what’s going on now, and aim to work towards a fair resolution without dwelling on the past.

3. “That’s Not Fair.”

Declaring that something isn’t fair without providing context or listening to others can come across as childish and unproductive. While fairness is important, you should address concerns constructively rather than making blanket statements.

Why It’s Harmful:

• It stops the conversation from progressing.
• It puts others on the defensive.
• It lacks specificity, making it hard to address the actual issue.

Alternative Approach:

If you think something isn’t fair, talk about it calmly and give examples. This can help start a good conversation. You can also share ideas on how to make things more fair and listen to what others think too.

4. “I Don’t Care What the Will Says, I Want…”

Disregarding the legal will’s contents undermines your departed loved one’s wishes, which can lead to legal complications. Make sure that you respect the will as a reflection of their final decisions and work within its framework to address any concerns!

Why It’s Harmful:

• It disrespects your departed loved one’s decisions.
• It can lead to legal battles.
• It creates tension and distrust.

Alternative Approach:

Express your concerns and ask if there’s room for discussion or adjustments within the boundaries of the will and the law. Engage in a dialogue with other beneficiaries and the executor to explore if any amendments or mutual agreements can be made without violating the legal terms.

5. “I Need This More Than You.”

When we compare what we need, it can make things tense and unfriendly. Everyone is different, so saying one person’s needs are more important can hurt your family members and invalidate their feelings.

Why It’s Harmful:

• It belittles others’ needs and circumstances.
• It fosters a sense of competition.
• It can lead to feelings of guilt or resentment.

Alternative Approach:

Share your financial needs and circumstances without comparing them to others. Seek empathy and understanding rather than positioning it as a competition. Highlight how a particular inheritance could make a significant impact on your life, but do so with respect and sensitivity to others’ situations.

6. “This Is Just About the Money.”

Reducing the conversation to just financial matters can overlook the emotional and sentimental values attached to inheritance. Family heirlooms, memories, and personal wishes play a significant role in these discussions.

Why It’s Harmful:

• It dismisses the emotional aspects of inheritance.
• It can seem insensitive to others’ feelings.
• It reduces complex family dynamics to a single issue.

Alternative Approach:

Acknowledge the emotional significance of the inheritance and encourage discussions that consider both financial and sentimental values. Discuss how certain items may hold more sentimental value to specific family members and find ways to honor those emotional connections.

7. “Let’s Just Get This Over With.”

Rushing through inheritance discussions can lead to misunderstandings and unresolved issues. These conversations require time, patience, and careful consideration to ensure all voices are heard and respected.

Why It’s Harmful:

• It can lead to hasty decisions.
• It may leave some family members feeling unheard.
• It increases the risk of future disputes.

Alternative Approach:

Approach the discussions with a willingness to take the necessary time. Ensure everyone has the opportunity to voice their thoughts and concerns. Establish a timeline that allows for thorough discussion without dragging the process out unnecessarily.

8. “I Don’t Care.”

Claiming indifference can be interpreted as disengagement or passive-aggressiveness. Even if you genuinely feel indifferent, it’s important to participate in the conversation respectfully to support the family process.

Why It’s Harmful:

• It can be seen as dismissive or disrespectful.
• It undermines the importance of the discussion.
• It may cause others to feel unsupported.

Alternative Approach:

If you have no strong feelings, express this calmly and offer your support to help facilitate a smooth discussion. Your involvement can help ensure a fair and balanced conversation, and your perspective may still provide valuable insights.

9. “You Can’t Be Trusted with Money.”

Questioning a family member’s ability to handle money can lead to embarrassment and defensiveness. If there are genuine concerns about financial responsibility, they should be addressed delicately and with solutions in mind.

Why It’s Harmful:

• It embarrasses and insults the person in question.
• It can escalate into personal attacks.
• It may cause a breakdown in communication.

Alternative Approach:

If valid concerns exist, suggest involving a financial advisor or trustee to manage the inheritance. Focus on solutions rather than accusations. Highlight the benefits of professional assistance in ensuring that the inheritance is managed effectively and per the deceased’s wishes.

10. “This Is What [Deceased] Would Have Wanted.”

Unless you have clear, documented evidence, claiming to know the deceased’s wishes can lead to disputes. It’s important to rely on the will and any documented conversations or letters rather than assumptions.

Why It’s Harmful:

• It can be seen as manipulative.
• It often lacks concrete evidence.
• It may cause disagreement among family members.

Alternative Approach:

Refer to documented wishes or the will when discussing the intentions of your loved one who has passed on. Encourage open discussion about interpreting their wishes respectfully. If there are ambiguities in the will, suggest consulting a legal professional to clarify the deceased’s intentions.

8 Tips for Navigating Inheritance Discussions

1. Establish Ground Rules

Before diving into discussions, establish some ground rules! Agree on a respectful tone, make sure that everyone gets a chance to speak, and commit to listening without interrupting. This will help maintain a productive and respectful conversation.

2. Consider Professional Mediation

If tensions are high or if there’s a history of conflict within the family, it might be beneficial to involve a professional mediator. A neutral third party can help facilitate the discussion, ensure everyone’s voice is heard, and guide the family toward a fair resolution.

3. Focus on Communication

Good communication is key! Be clear and concise about your concerns and wishes. Also, try to understand other participants’ perspectives. Don’t make assumptions. Ask questions if something isn’t clear. Open, honest communication can prevent misunderstandings.

4. Prepare Emotionally

Inheritance discussions can be emotionally charged. Prepare yourself by acknowledging any feelings of grief, resentment, or anxiety you might have. Consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor to process these emotions constructively.

5. Document Agreements

To prevent future disputes, document any agreements reached during these discussions. This can include written notes, formal agreements, or amendments to the will (with legal guidance). Having a clear record of decisions can help ensure that everyone is on the same page and that the agreements are honored.

6. Understand the Legal Framework

Familiarize yourself with the legal framework surrounding inheritance where you live. Knowing the legal aspects can help guide the conversation and ensure that all actions taken are within the law. This understanding can also help you explain the limitations and possibilities to other family members more clearly.

7. Consider the Future

Think about the long-term implications of the inheritance decisions. How will they impact family relationships, financial stability, and individual futures? Encouraging a forward-thinking approach can help create decisions that are beneficial in the long run.

8. Emphasize Family Unity

Throughout discussions, emphasize the importance of family unity and mutual respect. Remind everyone that the goal is to honor your loved one’s wishes while maintaining healthy family relationships. A united front can help navigate challenges and disagreements more effectively.

The Bottom Line on Discussing Family Inheritance

Talking about inheritance after someone passes away can be tough, but it’s important to do it in a way that keeps the family happy and follows what your departed loved one wanted. By avoiding these 10 things to say, you can make sure everyone feels heard and respected.

Here’s the trick: be kind, listen patiently, and let everyone be heard. That way, you can all work together through this tough time and stay close as a family. The most important thing isn’t who gets what, but keeping your family strong. After all, you wouldn’t want a family feud that looks like the scene straight out of Taylor Swift’s “Anti-Hero” music video, right? Let’s keep things civil and focus on what truly matters.